Kids say the . . .

My daughter knows that when I take a bath, I'd really like to be alone (she can't comprehend why I would not want the company of a three-year-old during moments of attempted relaxation, but I believe she at least understands the concept). I want to read a book and sip some wine - and I'd like to do these things all by myself.

Sunday night was bath night for the kid. As I stood in the doorway, she gave me a serious sort of look and repeated what she had heard me say so many times.

"I'm taking a bath and I need to be alone." She jutted out her chin for emphasis. I should add that she was not exactly lounging in the warm water and reading a novel. Instead, she was sitting on Uniqua from the Backyardigans, wearing her Little Mermaid washcloth on her head, and feeding purple foam soap to Gretchen.

"I can't leave you alone," I replied. "You could slip and hit your head and then you might fall into the water. I don't want you to die, I want to keep you safe."

I hadn't intended to pull out the big guns quite like that (I even startled myself a bit when I said it), but I did want her to know that bath time isn't just about flooding the tile floor and drinking murky bathwater (why why why do kids do that?) Water, as we know all too well, is far from innocuous in so many ways. [Insert Hurricane Katrina flashback here.]

She frowned. "I'm not going to die, Mama."

"Of course not," I reassured her, smiling. "Not until you are an old, old lady."

She, apparently mishearing me, replied, "Yeah, you are a old, old, old, old, old lady."

There were so many "olds" in there that I lost count. Now, my mom was only 18 when I was born, but she seemed pretty old to me when I was a kid. My sister once asked our mother, "Did they have pens and pencils when you were a kid?" That went over about as well as you are thinking it did. Nonetheless, I can imagine that in a three-year-old's mind, anyone older than she is, well, old.

I may be a little long in the tooth, but I am not as mentally infirm as my daughter seems to think, however.

When I picked her up from Kindercare on Monday, her teacher informed me that my little buttercup had a) poked a kid in the eye with a marker and b) pinched another classmate during storytime. I pulled A aside to have A TALK with her.

Me: "Did you pinch someone?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Really? You didn't pinch anyone?"

Her: "No"

Me (realizing my interrogation techniques were failing miserably): "Who did you pinch?"

Her: "Autumn."

I learned this one through my years as a volunteer for Boxer rescue. When someone surrenders a dog, we've learned to ask questions several different ways in order to get accurate responses. Has your dog ever bitten anyone? No! Has your dog ever nipped at anyone? No! Has your dog ever snapped at anyone? Well, there was this one time . . .

I never did get a confession on the other crime. When I pressed her about it, she just kept saying, "Because I said I was sorry!" Her circular logic confused me after a while, so I gave up.


Cassi said…
As my 4 year old nephew would say...."I can't want to!" He hasn't figured out that I can't do it and I don't want to do it are two different phrases. So, he combines them to make one.
So.... if you had to estimate... how many "old's" did she say? lol
Anonymous said…
You really do need to get published. You are always making me laugh or cry. I think you could take your blogs over the last couple of years and maybe throw some tips in for newbie bloggers and have a great book. I would buy it even if you weren't my best, oldest friend.

As for the things kids say-Matt once told a complete stranger in a store that daddy was very old. I said, "Daddy's not that old," and he said, "He is at least 100 he has all those gray hairs." The lady he was talking to looked at me like maybe daddy was robbing the cradle since I was 23 or 24 at the time. I gave up trying to convince either of them that daddy was not old and went home to the old codger. For the record daddy is only five years older than me and claims I am responsible for the gray hairs.
Anonymous said…
Wow-if you're that old, maybe you should reserve your spot at Shady Pines!

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