Alabaster Mom

It was just me trying on swimsuits.  I don't know why I got it into my head that I need a new swimsuit. I already have one that I like (and which fits okay) and one that I like a little bit less. We are beach-bound in July so I thought it might be nice to have an extra swimsuit.  I looked at the selection at Kohl's a few weeks ago. However, I was on my lunch break and didn't have a lot of time at my disposal. I felt like I needed a longer block of time for the suffering and humiliation. So, I went back about a week later. Although I was originally opposed to the idea of a tankini (when I was younger), I found that they aren't so bad after all. Both of my existing swimsuits are tanks with swim skirts. I also said I would never wear a "swim skirt" but that was before I accepted that fitting room mirrors don't lie about cellulite. Anyway, I grabbed a few swimsuits and headed into the fitting room. First one: nope. Second one: nope. Third one: I think I mutter

My husband and I spent most of the weekend painting our living room. He says we "just" painted the living room and didn't understand why we needed to do it again. I need to tell you when "just" actually was: 2005.  My husband has always had weird ideas about time. For example, if it's 6:10, he'll say, "It's almost 7."  We really need to paint the dining room as well but I'll wait a month before mentioning it. I have to ease the boy into things. I headed to Home Depot on Friday evening to throw myself on the mercy of a very nice paint department guy. "I don't know what I'm doing," I told him, "but I want brown paint."  I pointed to shade of brown from one of the five cards I had in my hand. There are a lot of shades of brown. I was looking for something like caramel, I guess. "Sure thing, young lady," he said. Young lady. Ha ha ha! "I also need some off-white paint for the ceiling," I

Tinsel Teeth Brace Face Okay, I'm officially out of slang terms for a kid with braces. We had our umpteenth visit to the orthodontist today. I've noticed that a lot of parents just drop their kids off, but we always stay with ours the whole time. She's our only child so I guess we just like to micromanage every situation that involves her. She got to choose the colors for her braces, which is probably the worst consolation prize the world has ever known, but it seems like kids don't really notice that part of it. My daughter chose silver and purple. The brackets are only on the top four teeth in the front, but the wires wrap all the way back to her molars. I noticed that a kid in the next exam chair was having all sorts of stuff done (including having molds taken of her teeth) and just sat there stoically. Not my kid, mister. She recently told me that the boys at school call her "Drama Queen." "I don't really mind," she told me, shrugg

After losing my last Boxer, Lucy Annabel, at just 8 1/2 years of age, having Gideon still with me at 11 feels like a bonus in many ways. Boxers usually live to 10-12 years of age, but cancer often takes them down sooner. I adopted Giddy a couple months after Lucy's death. I say that "I" adopted him because he's always been my boy. "Who's the goodest good boy in the whole world?" I ask him. "Who's my sweet puppy?" He looks up at me with increasingly cloudy eyes with an expression that seems to acknowledge that he's definitely the goodest good boy. I love that old grey face, but it breaks my heart a little, too. Gideon doesn't have all of the skills that Lucy had. She was an excellent spooner, for example. If I was in bed watching TV, she would circle once and always end up in just the right spot. Gideon tries but mostly steps on my boob and stuff. Lucy won countless medals in Obedience and Agility. Gideon still isn't convince

Last photo before the expander was removed The six-month-long saga is over. The headgear has been returned to the orthodontist. I have to say that the kid was a pretty good sport about sleeping with a bunch of metal strapped to her face for the past six months. Putting it on every night was another matter, of course. She wouldn't do it until her dad and I were foaming at the mouth like rabid dogs. "Put. Your. Headgear. On. NOW!" Once she had it on, though, she was fine. The palate expander was removed yesterday. She was supposed to be rinsing with saltwater three times a day. Ha ha ha! She threw a Hail Mary of sorts and did rinse a few times in the last week. However, I think it was too little, too late. When we got to the orthodontist's office yesterday, her dad and I couldn't resist joking about the palate expander and how it would be removed. We had no idea what the process was. "I am pretty sure they use a chain saw to get those buggers out.&quo

The weekend started off with a bang - or more like a splash. The kid dropped her iPad into the bathtub. And yes, there was water in it at the time. I had gone to the gym (and basically had the whole joint to myself since it was Good Friday) and when I came home, I was met with a tearful kid who was so distraught that I couldn't really understand what she was saying. "I know I'm probably grounded!" she wailed. I did some quick Googling ("what to do about a wet iPad") and then immersed the iPad in a stockpot filled with rice. I sealed it with saran wrap and then stuck the whole pot in a cabinet.  The instructions indicated that it should be left for 48 hours. Maybe I was tired from the work-out. Maybe I was just in a good mood because it was Friday. I wasn't nearly as mad as you'd think. P and I talked it over and decided that "no electronics for the weekend" seemed like a decent punishment. If the iPad was ruined, that would be plenty

Here are some things I can choose: What I wear tomorrow What I eat and how much How much I yell at my kid on any given day. Here are some things I can't choose: Whether or not my husband snores on any given night The weather My sexual orientation I saw this news clip earlier and it made me feel a little stabby.  Let's say you're goofy enough to believe that sexual orientation is a choice. You have a right to your opinion. Whatever. But do you discriminate against a BABY, for crying out loud? What the hell is wrong with people?  The whole scene in Indiana is troubling, too. I'm glad that pizza joint came out and said they don't want to cater weddings for same-sex couples. I'd rather people not hide their bigotry, you know? It's better if we all know so that we can boycott that shit - or support it if that's your thing, I guess. Also, since when are people having pizza joints cater their wedding? Is that a thing? I can only hope that in my l