- Double-lane roundabouts. My neck of the woods has gone ga-ga over roundabouts. They are everywhere. From a practical perspective, I understand the benefits. You're not sitting at a light for 30 seconds, so less idling = less emissions and whatnot. However, the double-lane ones give me an ulcer. I feel like no matter how I try to navigate through it, I will manage to screw it up in some colossal way. Sometimes I miss my exit out of the roundabout and just keep going 'round. "Look, kids! Parliament, Big Ben!"
- Spam. Here is a sample subject line from an email sitting in my spam folder: Enlarge you Penis Naturally Gain Up To 4 Inches In Length And Up To 25% Girth Increase. If I need to enlarge me penis, first I should go about obtaining one. Then I can also purchase the "vigara" that is also offered rampantly to my email account. I wonder what the conversion rate is for these spammers. They must get a sale here and there or they wouldn't keep sending them. I guess eventually some misguided soul will read one and think, "'Enlarge you penis?!' Sign me up!"
- The word "Shooties"
- Why people give up their dog when they have a baby. Dogs and children are not mutually exclusive! My daughter has been knocked over lots of times. I say it builds character.
- Why razor blade refills (for shavers) are so fucking expensive. Are they handmade or something???
- Why my dogs can't coordinate going outside (and coming back in) all at once. Instead, they insist on coming in/going out at intervals so that I am forced to open the door a hundred thousand times an hour.
- The appeal of these shows: Sex and the City, Real Housewives of Whatever, and The Big Bang Theory.
- Why my husband still does not understand where we keep the bowls. We've been together nearly 20 years. The bowls are not hiding, buckaroo. They're in the same cabinet they've been in since Clinton was in office.
- Why the people who say, "What do you mean? I have black friends!" always seem to be the most racist ones of all.
- The need to put the letter Z in everything. I saw Butterfinger Snackerz at the grocery store (Halloween candy aisle) last night. I refused to buy them just on principle.
- Why that nutjob in Ohio was permitted to have lions and tigers and bears living on his property, even though every person interviewed since that story broke seems to have been aware that it was a huge problem. And yet the authorities did nothing. However, it is illegal to own a pit bull in several cities in Ohio and there was also a proposal to ban them statewide. But a lion on a farm is A-OK.
- Why my daughter's school invited me to sign up to receive the school's newsletter electronically, but now sends me an email (w/the newsletter attached) that says, "Here is the newsletter your child will be bringing home this afternoon." Awesome, because I was hoping to read it twice and seriously, trees are overrated.
If I'm not a prime candidate to take over Andy Rooney's spot on 60 Minutes, I just don't know who is.
Rules of thumb: head for the inner lane as soon as you can, get in the right lane only right before your exit, and EXITING cars have the right away so BE NICE to them. See? Simple when you keep those 3 rules in mind.