Meditation: Fail

The list of things I suck at (or "things at which I suck" . . . the English major in me doesn't like to end a sentence with a preposition, even though many grammar guides have now sanctioned it) has just grown. The list was already pretty long.

I cannot:
  • accept a compliment
  • knit, crochet, or sew
  • do math
  • play cards (I can, but pretend I can't because it's just so freaking boring)
  • hit a ball or play an organized sport of any kind
  • sing
  • play an instrument or read music
  • draw (you do not want me on your team for Pictionary)
  • do the splits
  • read a map properly
  • run any reasonable distance without appearing as though I suffer from a neurological disorder
  • understand what "penalty declined" means in NFL football

New entry: meditate. At church on Sunday, we had an interesting speaker. She runs a local yoga studio. She spoke about being "in the moment" and not letting your mind wander. It's definitely a challenge, being fully present. After speaking for a bit, she had the congregation members put our feet on the floor, close our eyes, and attempt to meditate. She rang a bill every 15 seconds or so, with the meditation lasting three minutes.

At first, I did manage to keep my mind pretty quiet. I tried to focus on my breathing. However, we were planning to go to Red Robin after church (P had accompanied the kid and me to the service), so pretty soon I started thinking, "Shroom Boca burger or Whiskey River Barbecue Boca burger?" Then I thought this: "We could get an appetizer, but why does Red Robin insist on bringing the entree thirty seconds after bringing the appetizer? That is so annoying!" Then, as the seconds ticked by, I started to find the bell itself irritating instead of soothing.

The next exercise was to turn to a neighbor and stare into their eyes for one minute. Despite the fact that I have been with my husband for 17 1/2 years, I could not do it. I should have done the exercise with someone I have not seen naked. Every time I tried to look into his handsome brown eyes, there he was smirking at me. Like, "I have seen you naked, too, lady." We gave up after about thirty seconds.

The nice lady who adopted Fritz is a Buddhist. Like many UUs, I'm very interested in Buddhist teachings and philosophies. So, imagine my excitement when Fritz's new mom handed me a set of Buddhist prayer beads. They are really beautiful. I carry them in my purse and hold them in my hand sometimes. I'm just fascinated by them. Anyway, when she handed them to me, I graciously thanked her for the gift by: dropping them on the floor. As they clattered and slid across the linoleum floor, I scrambled after them like the goober I am. So, I'm guessing that whatever energy they held has now drained out of them.

So, yes, I seem to be failing miserably in my quest to become a more grounded, reflective person. I cannot meditate, I cannot connect spiritually with my partner, and I cannot be trusted with sacred objects. I may try meditation again sometime, but fully expect the Red Robin issue to rear its ugly head again. I mean, seriously, why can't they stagger the appetizer and the entree? I just don't get it.


Sam said…
That really is the worst! I still think about a meal my husband and I had over a year ago where they brought our salads out with our entrees! WTF???

I am also unable to do just about everything on your list. Especially drawing and map reading.
Anonymous said…
Oh, you are your mother's daughter. Well,except for the sewing/artsy stuff. I have tried to meditate several times in my life with the same result. My brain is all over the map. The harder I try to tell my brain to knock it off already; the worse it gets. I have a lot of very important thoughts to think as you well know, so it's hard to get a break.
Love, Mom
E said…
I'm laughing out loud because I "practice" yoga and during the mediation portion of the class I go to, it is a struggle to be in the moment. (Besides that being a run on sentence, I wrote "class I go to" and your English degree are making me self-conscious). I'm often making up my grocery list during yoga.

Hope you enjoyed Red Robin, despite their bad timing.
sanjeet said…
I had over a year ago where they brought our salads out with our entrees!

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