Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Smut

My neighbor Cassi invited me to a Pure Romance party at her house Tuesday night so, in spite of some trepidation, I went. I'd been to one of these parties about four years ago, and I figured my embarrassment had subsided enough by now to attend another one. Seriously, my cheeks were flushed for a week after the last smutfest. One thing I can tell you for sure: don't even attempt one of these gatherings if you don't drink. Seriously.

As I was walking out the door to trot around the corner through the snow, I posted on my Facebook page that I was "headed to a Pure Romance Party. AKA . . . smut." A guy from my church immediately replied, "I KNEW IT!" Now, I don't know what he thinks he knows, but now I can't help but wonder exactly what sort of impression I've been giving at church.

In telling you about the party, I'll have to be very careful about my word choices here, because I don't want to attract a bunch of perverts to my blog. I learned that lesson the hard way with a previous blog entry. The Pure Romance stuff really is meant to be fun (and, I suppose, useful). I arrived at the party and settled into a spot on the couch, Chardonnay in hand. We were seated in a circle in Cassi's living room. Next to the TV was a low table full of displayed unmentionables. The Pure Romance consultant began her presentation, working her way through the catalog she had given each of us. The pages in the catalog bore titles such as "Good Vibrations!" and "High-Tech Heaven!" The consultant was very bubbly and definitely knew the products well. God love a woman who can say things like "clitoral stimulation" in the very same tone of voice in which one would say "roll with butter." We also played a couple of games. And by "we" I mean "everyone but me."

Cassi's mom and sister were also at the party. Now, I don't care who you are, but you don't wanna think about your parents doing it. My mother has three children so I've allotted three sex acts to her over the course of her adult life and that's it. As far as I'm concerned, my dad hasn't gotten any since my youngest sister was conceived in 1981.

I grew up in a liberal, open family. We are not a Puritanical or prudish lot by any stretch. However, I can't seem to bring myself to discuss d*ldos in polite company (or even impolite company). It took a couple of glasses of Chardonnay at the party before I stopped feeling like I might pass out every time a sex toy was handed around the circle (I have a weird habit of holding my breath when I'm feeling out of sorts). I really do not know what is wrong with me, as everyone else seemed quite comfortable.

So, I guess you are dying to know: did she buy anything???? Yes, I walked out with a black bag just like everyone else. But, alas, I have to disappoint you. All I bought was a massage thingamajig (it heats up) and some massage oil, which may or may not ever get used. Oh, and some glittery lotion, which I thought might be fun to have on hand (sparkly bosom) for a fancy night out sometime (because you know I do that a LOT). Yes, I passed up my chance to buy my very own stripper pole and install it in my house. I'm sorry to dash your hopes on the rocks like that. There was also a, um, motorized male member that retails for $150.00. I just could not get my brain around that at all. That's a week's worth of groceries. This bugger spins in a couple of directions at varying speeds and is, of course, waterproof. Nothing I buy at the grocery store does that.

Maybe I'll host a party so that I can get a crotchless bodysuit for half price. And where, oh where, will I install that pole?

9 comments:

Beth said...

Oh, the memories! I went to one of those way back when I was a rather puritanical, Mormon newlywed. The consultant seemed to have tried everything she sold. Who has enough time for that???? And why was the fact that much of it was 'dishwasher safe' a selling point?!?! I decided that I never, ever want to be invited to dinner at her house!

Lisa said...

LOL!!! this was tooo funny. I will never "look" at you the same way again! lol

aliciajill said...

Sooo funny. Hubby and I caught a few minutes of a home shopping program for "these type of items" once. We could not stop laughing at the way they were so non-chalant about all of it, and we thought the same thing about the dishwasher safe comments- ummm yuck!!! I dont know that I would want to attend with my mom either..........

Tina said...

lol Claudia. I have a blast at those partys. :)

Steph K said...

When you decide to host yours (so you can get your bodysuit for 1/2 price), let me know-I'll be there with bells on!

Cassi said...

It's me, the neighbor that had the party.......I wish I could come up with something clever to say but for some reason my mind is a blank! So enjoy your heart massager and let me know when you need a babysitter so you can put that sparkly lotion to use!!

PS (PSanafter-thought) said...

I've become enlightened by reading this post. That's as close as I want to get to that party. Can you imagine a teacher asking a kindergartner What does you mommy do? How would you answer that?

Rachel said...

You know when they were done building our housing development my neighbor had one of those parties. Have to say it was a great way to get to know your new neighbors and even ten years later we'll tease each other about who brought the Eager Beaver-please excuse the name.

I did need a few glasses of wine before I could play the, Pass the Dil**, game. Let me know when you have your party I might fly in for a visit.

khudson33 said...

oh goodness our heart massager just croaked-- last night the other half was looking for it (how manly) and I had to break the sad news. They work fantastic for pulled back & neck muscles!