Alabaster Mom

As is mandatory this time of year, we went apple-picking at a local orchard yesterday. It was a beautiful day - sunny and around 75 degrees. Every family in the state apparently had the same idea, as the joint was definitely jumping. When we got there, we boarded a tractor-drawn wagon and were then dropped off in the middle of the orchard. We were picking Red Delicious, Cortland, and Gala apples. I cautioned my husband and child not to pick too many apples because I'm really the only person in our home who eats apples (I eat one a day, sometimes two). P will eat one if it is baked into a pie. A will eat one if it is slathered in peanut butter. The apples were infinitely more plentiful than last year. Weather problems in 2012 led to a bad crop, as I recall.  I remember going to the orchard with the kid and at times we were actually reduced to giving a second look to some of the ones that were on the ground. "Well, this one is only half rotten!" This year was a vast impro...

This, my friends, is why I can never do any abdominal crunches at home.

For most of my adult life, I've never truly felt like I've had a good night's sleep. There are a few obstacles in my way: my hips, my brain, and my husband's head. I have bad hips. I inherited them from that lady who gave birth to me.  From what the doctors tell me, there is too much laxity in the ligaments that hold my hips together. All I know is that they hurt.  They hurt at night and on long car rides. They hurt whether I'm fat or skinny. There are poses in yoga that I cannot do, thanks to my stupid hips. Anyway, in order to sleep at night, I take Tylenol PM. Lately, I've grown somewhat alarmed about the dangers of taking acetaminophen over time. I keep hearing scary things.  So, I've decided to wean myself off the Tylenol just in case it might, you know, kill me. But, now instead of worrying that my liver will explode, I'm worried that I'll get even less sleep. My mom used to say that men and babies fall asleep as soon as their head hits t...

I got my mom-mobile back on Thursday. It has been at the auto body shop since Monday morning. The insurance company supplied me with a rental car. They supply an "economy" car. I had the option of paying more for an upgrade but had no reason to do that. I mean, I'm already out $500 for the deductible for an accident that was not my fault . I am still a little bitter about it. I've been been paying for car insurance since I was 19 and someone else gets to drive around with none, even though it is against the law. :::sigh::: Anyway, the car I rented was a Toyota Yaris. It was tiny. In fact, it can only be seen under a microscope. Looking on the bright side, it fit in my garage like nobody's business.  I have to do some maneuvering to make my mom-mobile fit in there. I will also say that the Yaris gets kick-ass gas mileage. I drove for three days on a quarter tank of gas. I'm used to a bigger vehicle with a much larger engine, so at times I would look down at t...

My sister's wedding is coming up in November. I was instructed to go to David's Bridal and select a bridesmaid's dress in the color Malibu. It's a turquoise-y shade of blue.  The bridesmaids are allowed to choose any dress they want as long as it's in the right color. I was grateful for that. I think we've all seen those wedding parties where the identical bridesmaid dresses result in cuteness and perfection for the bride's tall, tan sorority sister, but lead to sartorial tragedy for the bride's shorter, fatter friend. I spent quite a bit of time studying the David's Bridal website.  I had trouble getting past this photo on the home page: Now, does any bride really say, " THIS is what I want to look like on my wedding day." I am not sure what is up with the pose, but it is very reminiscent of the cat-cow postures we do in yoga class. You're supposed to exhale on the cat, so I assume that is what she is doing here. Then she will n...

My daughter and I had been looking forward to the trip for a couple of months. We had two tickets to spend the day at a huge amusement park located about three hours from our home. It was Kohl's Friends & Family Day at the park. I purchased the tickets through my friend Tammy, who works for Kohl's. The tickets were significantly cheaper than the usual admission price and parking was free. Another bonus is that the park was closed to the general public and was open only to Kohl's peeps, so that meant shorter lines and whatnot. So, we were in. We couldn't wait! All I really had to do is to pretend to like Tammy so that I could qualify under the "friend" category. Ha! Just kidding, Tammy! You know I heart you! To avoid driving three hours in one stretch this morning, the kid and I drove to my friend Kathy's house last night. She lives about halfway in between our house and the amusement park. I freeload at her house periodically and we always have a gre...

I'm writing this at the end of a long, crabby week, so bear with me. Thinking of adopting from a rescue? Great! That's the best news I've heard all day. There are lots of homeless dogs out there and if you can give one of them a good home . . . well, good on ya, mate. You're doing something important and meaningful. As a longtime volunteer for a Boxer Rescue organization, I feel privileged to have worked with so many wonderful adopters over the years. I've developed friendships with many of the folks who've adopted my foster dogs. It's a perk of the job! While the vast majority of folks who apply to adopt from our rescue are well-intentioned and are stellar dog owners to boot, lately we've had a few applicants who are, shall we say, a bit challenging. Now, at the risk of spilling a few insider secrets, I'm going to pass on a couple of tips to folks who are considering adopting from a rescue organization: 1. The rescue will ask you for your ve...

Some randomness for you . . I haven't written recently because I'm still recovering from the first week of school. It was brutal, just brutal. Now, my daughter needs to get up and get out of the house at the same time every weekday, regardless of whether school is in session or not. However, the first week of school was particularly bad - at least in the mornings. Maybe it's because we have extra stuff to deal with - lunchbox, backpack, etc. I don't know. Yesterday was just as bad as last week. We sent her off to daycare with dirty teeth and no breakfast, because she couldn't get her act together (I did toss her an apple as she and her dad were leaving). Her dad set the punishment - no Kindle and no TV last night. This hits her where it hurts because no Kindle = no Minecraft.  Honestly, I think we could threaten to send her to Siberia and she'd still spend half an hour rolling around in her bed and complaining that she can't get dressed because Gretchen (h...

My middle sister got engaged in July. I figured I'd have a year or so to get my act together before the wedding . . . you know, lose a couple hundred pounds, have my nails done, do something about my hair, etc.  Wedding photos tend to hang around for a lifetime, so that's a little scary. I was imagining my sister showing the photos to her friends and having them say, "Awww, what a beautiful wedding! That's so sad about your sister, though." And there I'd be, with my bad hair and overly-ample mid-section, staring blankly at the camera. My sister is getting married in November.  As in, this November. Now, I know that the wedding is not about me. I had my day, back in 1997.  However, I've got to throw a Hail Mary pass here and try to get my shit together. Last week I saw a Groupon offer for a teeth-whitening kit. Ordered. Then I contacted the nice lady who cuts my hair and made an appointment to have her cut, color, and highlight my hair right before the we...

Brand new purple glittery high tops?    Check! Sequined shirt?     Check! Skinny jeans?     Check! Third grade attitude?     Check! I'm taking bets as far as how long it will take her teacher to move her desk for the first time. Let me know what you'd like to wager.

I may drive the most boring vehicle known to humankind but dammit, it's paid for and it's mine. It has its quirks - the timer thingie on the windshield no longer works - but the body was in perfect condition. Until Thursday. I picked A up from her new daycare after work. We decided to stop for some frozen yogurt on the way home. I was leaving the parking lot and was about to turn right onto the street when I felt an impact on the right side of the van - right where my daughter was sitting. I was stunned for a moment (what the hell? did I hit a parked car?)  I backed up and then got out of the car. I quickly realized that another driver had backed into me as I was passing. A lady was jumping out of her car, saying, "I'm so sorry, are you okay? I didn't see you!"  She asked if my daughter was okay. I said she was fine and opened the sliding door so that we could both see my daughter. My daughter looked perplexed but uninjured. I could see right away that the...