"Do it one more time and I'm calling Santa. Seriously, I am not kidding."

I have roughly 24 days left in which I can use Santa Claus as leverage. I've called him several times today. In fact, Santa has probably taken out a restraining order against me.

A doesn't totally get the whole Christmas/Santa thing yet. But she does know what presents are. And she knows she wants some. If this guy wants to bring her some, she is not going to argue. So, she tries to behave from time to time. Tries.

I guess she keeps forgetting, though, since she continues to carry out her diabolical plots as usual. She ran away from me at the store (yes, again) and when I found her I had to suppress every instinct to send her to the moon. (All I could think of was Adam Walsh - seriously, keeping your kid safe these days is scary shit.) I am really trying my darndest to get through this thing (and by "this thing" I mean the whole 18 years) without spanking her, but sometimes I feel like I resort to the dumbest tactics (like telling her that random strangers are going to get really mad if she doesn't knock it off, for example).

My mom worked the Santa angle for YEARS. She always said she saw elves peeking in the windows. ("There he is! He saw you smack your sister and he is going to tell Santa!") My baby sister is 12 years my junior so I was still hearing about the elves until I was in my 20's. My kid doesn't know what elves are yet, so I just lead her to believe I have access to some sort of Santa hotline where I can report her behavior to the big guy at will.

My biggest fear is that I will pick up the phone and then A will demand to speak to him herself. She once told me that Gideon, our dog, crapped in her diaper, so it's hard even to guess what kind of line she will try to feed Santa.

After Christmas I figure I will start using her birthday as leverage. Bribery, trickery, candy . . . clearly I have no shame.

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