For most of my adult life, I've never truly felt like I've had a good night's sleep. There are a few obstacles in my way: my hips, my brain, and my husband's head.
I have bad hips. I inherited them from that lady who gave birth to me. From what the doctors tell me, there is too much laxity in the ligaments that hold my hips together. All I know is that they hurt. They hurt at night and on long car rides. They hurt whether I'm fat or skinny. There are poses in yoga that I cannot do, thanks to my stupid hips.
Anyway, in order to sleep at night, I take Tylenol PM. Lately, I've grown somewhat alarmed about the dangers of taking acetaminophen over time. I keep hearing scary things. So, I've decided to wean myself off the Tylenol just in case it might, you know, kill me. But, now instead of worrying that my liver will explode, I'm worried that I'll get even less sleep.
My mom used to say that men and babies fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow, because they have nothing to think about. Now, I love my husband but when I'm in bed and then he comes to bed later, I can literally hear him falling asleep about thirty seconds after he is horizontal. Must be nice. And speaking of my husband, he's developed a new little quirk: snoring. He was never much of a snorer unless he had a head cold or something like that. Now he snores to wake the dead. I don't know what has changed with him, but it's making me very irritable. I think I'm going to buy some ear plugs and keep them handy for nights when the snoring gets too bad. I've been resistant to using them because I don't want to risk not being able to hear my child if she needs me at night. Plus, wearing ear plugs makes it official: I've turned into my mother.
The other hurdle is just my inability to turn my brain off. Like yesterday, I was really worked up about about how a client had treated me. I went to yoga in an effort to make my brain forget about it. Alas, it still remembered. Even when I was lying on my yoga mat during savasana, I was thinking, "Grrrrrrr." Then I fretted about it some more when I got home. I just find it so incredibly difficult to clear my mind, even at bedtime. When I was taking the Tylenol PM, it basically overrode my brain and said, "I'm shutting this shit down right now." And I would fall asleep.
I wish I had one of those sensory deprivation chambers. I feel like I could sleep in one of those. I may have to settle for trying melatonin or something. Or just giving up sleep altogether.
In the mean time, I'll try to stop hatin' on my hips.
homage to my hips
By Lucille Clifton
these hips are big hips
they need space to
move around in.
they don't fit into little
petty places. these hips
are free hips.
they don't like to be held back.
these hips have never been enslaved,
they go where they want to go
they do what they want to do.
these hips are mighty hips.
these hips are magic hips.
i have known them
to put a spell on a man and
spin him like a top!