The Question I've Been Dreading

I couldn't decide if I should write about this or not. I know that A's birthmom has read my blog from time to time in the past, and the last thing I would ever want to do is to make her feel sad or uncomfortable. But, it's been almost a week since my daughter dropped the big question on me and since I'm still upset about it now, I thought some cathartic writing might help.

Last Wednesday, we were on our way home from swim class at the Y.  She was pretty excited because she skipped a fish group (guppy) and is now a minnow. As we sat at a stoplight, I heard this from the back seat:

"Mom, I don't want you to think I don't want to be with you, but why did I have to go?"  The emphasis was on the I.  For a second, I wasn't sure what she meant or why she was asking the question in that way. And then I knew: she was asking why her birthmom had kept her brothers and not her. I could almost feel my heart breaking, just to know that my baby thought - even for a brief second - that she was pushed out or cast aside.  It wasn't like that at all.

I can understand why she'd ask the question. She knows that her birthmom has three sons - one is older than A and the other two are younger. We've talked many times about the circumstances surrounding her birth but I knew I'd better try again.

"Sweetie, your birthmom loves you very much. It's just that when you were born, she didn't have a good job and she wasn't with your birthfather anymore. She knew she couldn't take good care of you at that time so she made an adoption plan for you. I know that it's the hardest thing she ever did and that she thinks about you every single day."

She nodded.  I added:  "You're lucky because you have SO many people who love you."

She knew the story but maybe it just helped to hear it again. A couple years after A was born, her birthmom married a nice guy and they have two children together. Her oldest son was the result of a relationship when she was just out of high school, I believe. I think her road was a bit rocky when she was younger but it's a lot more stable now. That's just how life is sometimes, you know? Sometimes young women just pick the wrong guys. I know I dated some real winners - it's just that in my case, there's no physical evidence of my bad decisions. I never had to face what my daughter's birthmom had to face. One thing I never forget: J had a few options when she got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. Make no mistake about this: she chose the hardest possible one. Without her, I would not be a mom.

I know that all adoptees have to work through some abandonment issues but still, I can't help but wish I could somehow take on the burden myself. I love her, her birthmom loves her, and she was always wanted. I never want her to forget, not even for a second. I don't know how to make sure it sticks.

The very best thing that ever happened to me.


Sam said…
It will stick. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job and her question shows how much she trusts you. I hope I handle these questions as beautifully when it's my turn.
The Lovely One said…
:) she will always know how much she is loved.

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