Schtuff I've Never Done

  • Had sex in any sort of unusual location, at least not that I can recall. (Hi Mom!)
  • Drank a beer. (And why would I when the humble grape has given us something so spectacular and perfect?)
  • Had a cup of coffee. (People who absolutely cannot function without coffee in the morning do irritate me a bit. There, I've said it.)
  • Had a pedicure.

Most people think I'm joking when I say I've never had a pedicure. I have to confess that I do keep my toenails painted at all times (usually in a shade that's best left to streetwalkers). If you ever spot me with naked toenails you can rest assured that I've just hatched out of a pod and that the aliens have taken the real me away. Won't they be surprised when they implant an alien spawn in my womb only to find that it no worky.

Why have I never had a pedicure? In my mind, having a pedicure is akin to saying, "Hey there! I'm pretty important. So important, in fact, that I'd like to pay you to get down on your knees and touch the grodiest part of me." I just can't get my brain around that. It's not that I think my feet are the worst out there. I don't even hate them. I save that kind of rancor for my thighs. It's just that it seems awfully . . . self-indulgent, I guess.

I have a similar roadblock when it comes to massages. I have had a couple of massages as a result of gift cards that could not be used in any other way (And if you know me, you know that unused gift card = does. not. compute). When I get a massage, I imagine that the masseuse (massage therapist?) is thinking: "I don't have enough hands to cover this expanse of flesh." It's hard to relax when you're convinced that the massage person is pretty sure that you're Jabba the Hutt.

Can anyone convince me of the merits of getting a pedicure? Give it your best shot, ladies.


Anonymous said…
Pedicures are the best, you absolutely need to go get one instead of doing it yourself.

They cut my nalis perfectly so they dont break or grow weird.

The jets are awesome in the foot bath

If your lucky, you will get the one gentleman in the salon with the REALLY strong hands to run your feet and calves.

good luck in making your decision!
Melissa said…
Ok, I'm a MASSAGE THERAPIST (We hate being called a masseuse, it brings to mind seedy dirty buildings and happy endings), and let me assure you, we couldn't care less about a person's size as long as they, oh, CLEAN THEMSELVES. I've done all shapes and sizes and the only times I'm disgusted is when I find cheesy feet or have to inhale some putrid odor eminating off someone's ass. Believe me. If you're clean, we'll love ya.

And pedicures? I live for them. Just because they rock.
Sam said…
I think it's interesting that you explained the pedicure thing but not the beer thing! Plenty of people don't get pedicures, but do you mean to tell me that all through high school and college you NEVER had a beer? I don't get it! :-)

I kinda hear you on the whole pedicures=self-indulgence. I do get them from time to time, but the (Jewish) guilt I feel every time forces me to over-tip. Then I've spent $35 just to get my toenails painted. Which is ridiculous. I'm never getting a pedicure again! Never!! :-)
Steph K said…
My husband is a massage therapist and he says that as long as the person laying on the table doesn't stink, they truly don't notice much else.
As for the pedicure, I normally do my own toes, but they look soooooooooo much nicer if I get a pedicure. They usually last longer too.
Susie said…
Ahhhh! More ways we're alike. I've never tasted beer or even wanted to--same for coffee. Now the first one, well, it depends on where you consider a strange place! ;) and I've had 5 pedicures, none of which I've paid for. I feel weird about it every time and have never had one so amazing to get what all the fuss is about. Rock on sister!
Marginwalker said…
I get maybe 1 or 2 pedicures yearly. My main reason? In the summer, when I show my toes off every day, I want my feeties to look pretty. If I attempt to doll them up in some way, they will not be pretty. I've tried it. If I ask a family member (namely my mom or sissy) they'd laugh at me. For a relatively reasonable price I can have someone who is good at it do it for me, it looks spanking, and it lasts a long time. I had the guilt with the self-indulgence, but that didn't last. It's a service they offer that my big ol' yachts need!

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