Alabaster Mom

Let me start by stating that I am not a graceful or athletic person. I go to step aerobics and yoga, but I never get any better at either one. In aerobics, I actually have to count my steps just to keep vaguely in synch with the rest of the class. In yoga, my skills are not exactly legendary either.  I was attempting this arm balance in class last week (called the Crow Pose): Annnnnnd after balancing for about .000078 seconds, I pitched forward onto my face and then rolled onto one shoulder.  I ended up off my mat and well into the middle of the room. "Ha ha!" I said (since everyone was looking at me). "So close!"  Because obviously I was not even vaguely close. In general, I am fairly clumsy and often have bruises I can't explain.  As I've already made abundantly clear, I don't have what you'd call athletic prowess.  However, I get out there.  I ride my bike, I go to classes, I hit the treadmill at the gym. My daughter, however, will ...

It amazes me what kids learn in Kindergarten these days. Here's what I remember doing in Kindergarten: Gluing pieces of paper to other pieces of paper Sitting at the "blue" table (each table had a color) Befriending a boy named Carl And that's it.  My daughter, on the other hand, is learning math, reading, writing, science, computers, and so forth.  I've been particularly impressed with her reading skills.  The bad news is that now I suppose I'll have to explain foul bumper stickers and the like. Greeaaaat. Sometimes she gets a little bit cocky about her reading abilities.  The other day we passed Hooters on our way to Red Robin.  "Huh," she said with a casual shrug. "I didn't know we have a Hotters here." When she is reading and she doesn't know a particular word, she typically doesn't attempt to sound it out or, God forbid, ask for help.  She just substitutes some random word - typically one that does not even start with...

The kid is recovering well from her surgery and was all set to go back to school today . . . until school was canceled because of a winter storm, that is.  The only real issue we've noticed after the surgery is her breath.  It could "knock a buzzard off a shit wagon" as my stad would say. The doctor had warned us about this possibility, but I guess we didn't think about it until it came to fruition. I assume it has something to do with dried blood and/or healing tissue from the adenoidectomy.  Whatever it is, we don't have the heart to say anything to her.  Of course, one time I ate some garlic-parmesan pretzels and the kid didn't hesitate for a second to tell me that I had problem. There was all sorts of hand-waving-in-front-of-the-nose and "Oh my gosh, your breath, Mama!" theatrics going on. Other than that, she's been doing fine.  She goes back in for a follow-up with the doctor on Thursday. She and I spent the day together on Saturday.  We...

The glitz! The glamour! A gymnasium full of little girls jacked up on cupcakes and ice cream! Tonight was the long-awaited Daddy-Daughter Dance. A has been looking forward to this event ever since the invitation arrived weeks ago. I bought her a velvet navy blue dress at Lands' End.  It is a traditional, classic style and I know this was probably my last chance to get her in something like that before she falls further under the influence of other kids at school.  Also, it was on sale - not because it had some kids' monogram on it (as you find with some bargains at the Lands' End outlet), but because the style has been discontinued.  Anyway, I glammed her up a bit with some fancy barrettes, dressy shoes, and glitter in her hair.  Plus, she got to wear her "big girl" add-a-pearl necklace. P ordered a corsage for her, and she was thrilled about that.  Yesterday she told her dad, "Daddy, I want you to wear your marrying day suit to the dance."  He didn...

My daughter had her surgery today. Yes, I know it's a relatively minor procedure (installation of tubes in her ears plus adenoidectomy) but I'm a worrier. I held it together until the nurses wheeled her down the hall into the operating room.  Her dad and I were instructed to go and wait in the lobby.  I made the mistake of turning around to look at her one last time and she just looked so . . . tiny. She didn't go into surgery until nearly noon, so it was a bit of a rough morning.  I have to say that I'm sure this whole scene was much easier with a 5.75-year-old vs a younger child.  I was able to explain everything to her, as did the nurses and doctors, and she understood. I could tell she was still worried, though, and at times she was teary.  When the nurse informed her that she was going to take her blood pressure, A responded: "You're going to take my blood ?" She was wide-eyed and frightened. I'm glad I was able to hold her and stay with her ri...

Holla! Our little clan had a fab-u-lous weekend. We swam, we whirlpooled, we ate candy. Bliss!  Of course, the shortest member of our party could not stop talking, but that came as no surprise.  Last week the director of Kindercare emailed me to let me know that my daughter had invited the entire building to join us for our weekend getaway. I cringe when I think about some of the stuff she must say at school. One of my clients told me that when her son was around five, they caught a mouse in the breezeway between their house and garage. Later, she found out that her son had told his teacher that they had HUNDREDS of mice in their home. As soon as we checked into the resort, we heard the following about a thousand times: "Can I go in the ball pit now? How about now? Can I go in the ball pit now? Okay, after you use the bathroom can I go in the ball pit? Okay, but after you pour your drink can I go in the ball pit?" We let her play in the ball pit and then took her swi...

Is it just me or did someone add an extra day to this week?  I feel like I'm stuck in some particularly demented version of that movie "Groundhog Day." May I share my big accomplishment of the week?  I stood on my head.  Well, mostly.  I generally attend a yoga class every Tuesday night. For part of the class, we work on inversions.  As in, being upside down.  Apparently there are some benefits to having your heart and feet over your head, but I'm not 100% what those are (I'm a beginner, remember).  I remember standing on my head readily and easily when I was in elementary school.  However, it seems like once you get to, ahem, a certain age, the thought of hoisting your lower half into the air seems almost preposterous. My daughter and I hang upside from the monkey bars at the park, but I haven't attempted a headstand in, oh, 30+ years. I also stopped doing cartwheels at some point after puberty. For the past...

First off, my husband is not funny.  He makes me laugh maybe twice a year, tops.  When he does say something funny, it is usually unintentional. My daughter received a piggy bank from her Meemaw for Christmas.  The piggy bank is electronic and calculates a running total as you put coins through the slot.  P tends bar two nights a week (second job) and often gives A some change from his tips. Meanwhile, her Great Grandma sent the kid some money for Christmas.  I took her to Toys R Us the day after Christmas because she needed to spend her loot ASAP.  She chose a tabletop-sized red gumball machine. The gumball machine takes pennies.  I filled it with gumballs and set it on the baking rack in the kitchen (because letting her keep it in her room seemed like a very, very bad idea).  Predictably, the kid started shaking down me and her dad for pennies. Even when she already has gum, she feels compelled to buy gum for us (whether we want it or not -...

My daughter is getting tubes in her ears on February 16th.  They are also planning to remove her adenoids at the same time (the doctor won't know for sure until she gets in there and confirms that the adenoids are as large as she suspects they are).  It is common to remove the tonsils as part of this procedure, but I've opted not to have that done right now.  A has not shown any signs of having complications from her large tonsils (no sore throats or that sort of thing).  I just have a hard time giving the thumbs-up for a surgical procedure that may not be necessary, a "remove this and that just in case it might bug her later" sort of thing.  On the other hand, I did hesitate because I know a few people who've had their tonsils removed as adults.  What is a relatively minor surgery for a child . . . knocks an adult on their ass for at least two weeks. The appointment with the ENT (Ears Nose Throat) doctor was a little bit frustrating.  The doctor was...