Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Not done with summer yet

I haven't written recently because, well, there's not much going on. Since my last entry . . . let's see . . . I went to a party, spent a staggering amount of money on school supplies and school shoes, paid our property taxes, baked a bunch of stuff for a pet expo (hosted by German Shepherd Rescue), attended a meeting at church, went to the gym a couple of times, checked out a building with my church peeps (our lease is up and we are trying to purchase a new sanctuary), had my puppy neutered and microchipped, went grocery shopping, volunteered at that pet expo (won a few things in the raffle - woot!), attended a tall ships' festival with the family, and took my kid to a local amusement park.

This week, we don't have a ton of excitement going on.  The tween is in two different programs this week (one for choir and one for middle school) so we have to drive her around and somehow still work enough hours so as not to get in trouble with boss-type people. This weekend we are headed to the state fair. This year, I remembered to make the hotel reservation waaaaaay in advance.  Apparently, we are not the only people in the state who attend the fair and hotel rooms can be hard to snag once August hits.  Next week, we're going to the county fair for good measure. Hey, summer is short in these parts. We have to do ALL THE THINGS while we have the chance. Speaking of which . . .

We are going another little vacation soon. It's our annual cabin-by-the-lake trip. For the past few years, another family has joined us. They have three kids so it's a pretty tight fit in the little log cabin, but we always have a lot of fun. Anyway, they can't make it this year so it may be a little quieter in the cabin (one kid vs. four) but the main drawback is that our kid won't have anyone to play with. And no wifi (gasp!) She may have to kick it old school and . . . read a book (gasp!)

Some part of me is a tiny bit relieved that our friends can't come because I don't want my friend Sherri to see that I've turned into Jabba the Hutt since she saw me last summer. She firmly took charge of her health a couple years ago and really got into shape. (Not that I ever thought she was overweight, but she's more focused on her health than she was when the boys were younger, I think.)  As for me? I don't know what my problem is. I suspect I need about a hundred million hours of therapy, if I'm being truly honest.

I feel like I'm back on track for now, so that's good, I suppose. I don't know how to stop myself from derailing, though. I could blame the rough year I've had. I could blame my sweet tooth (or my slowing metabolism). I could blame my anxiety. I could blame a thousand things but in the end, it doesn't matter. Sure, I read all of the articles about "embracing your curves" and the fight against body shaming. No one's shaming me, though - I have enough self-hatred to cover it, thanks. It amazes me that I can wake up every morning and be horrified by this one thing - a thing that I could, in theory, fix, and yet . . . I don't.

I do have a plan to be pretty active on vacation, though. I've signed up to take a yoga class on the first morning after our arrival. There is a state park nearby with some nice hiking trails. I usually hike it once per vacation but maybe I'll get crazy and do it by myself, too. I'll report my awesomeness (or abject failure) when I get back.

This is what Grover looks like without his balls.


1 comment:

Sam said...

I feel sad you have such body shame, especially since in every photo I've seen of you I honestly think you're gorgeous. But I know it's a larger issue. My oldest and dearest friend also struggles in this way and it has been lifelong. I remember when we were kids her dad making fun of her for being chubby, which has certainly fucked her up long-term.

I always love your posts and recaps of your life. I want to hang out with you!