Thursday, February 25, 2016

Day 10

Today was the tenth day of my big challenge. No alcohol, no sweets. I probably should have given myself some ground rules on the sweets. Should that include gum? The occasional vegan waffle? I decided to just try to cut out everything that seems like a treat. I am getting bored with my breakfast options so I did eat cereal yesterday (Quaker Oat Squares). I'm not sure if that's cheating or not. It's my game, so let's go with not.

I have wondered why I am doing this to myself. It's not a Lent thing (UUs don't really go that route). I'm not an alcoholic. While I'm certainly overweight, I'm not morbidly obese.  I think it's really just a matter of wanting to get a handle on my demons. I eat cookies because I like them (and they make me happy, if only temporarily). I drink wine because I like it and because it dulls my anxiety.

A couple of people have asked me what I miss more, the sweets or the adult beverages. It's hard to say. The alcohol, maybe. At the end of a hard day, it's nice to have a glass of red wine before bed. I fully understand the phrase, "Takes the edge off."

I recently tried some therapy sessions with the goal of developing additional coping mechanisms for  my anxiety. However, I ran into a billing snag. We have medical insurance, and then anything not covered by the insurance directly comes off our HSA card (my husband puts part of each paycheck on that card). Insurance didn't fully cover the therapy sessions I'd already attended, so I needed to pull the balance off the HSA card. It turns out that the provider doesn't accept HSA cards. So then I had to ask my husband to call the HR/Benefits people at his job and ask about reimbursement, which made him crabby because he is extremely introverted and doesn't like to reach out to people he doesn't know. Basically, what I am telling you is that my attempt to get help for my anxiety caused me more anxiety. So, I canceled my next scheduled appointment and called it a day. I'll just increase my yoga or something.

I recently read this definition of anxiety: "Waking up and knowing that nothing is wrong, and yet feeling like everything is wrong."  This succinct statement says what I could never seem to articulate.  My husband asked me, "You've had anxiety since you were a kid, right?"

I responded: "You've had apathy since you were a kid, right?"  It was the best comeback I could muster at the moment.

Anyway, I've got 20 days to go. I think I can do this. 

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