The Question I've Been Dreading

I couldn't decide if I should write about this or not. I know that A's birthmom has read my blog from time to time in the past, and the last thing I would ever want to do is to make her feel sad or uncomfortable. But, it's been almost a week since my daughter dropped the big question on me and since I'm still upset about it now, I thought some cathartic writing might help.

Last Wednesday, we were on our way home from swim class at the Y.  She was pretty excited because she skipped a fish group (guppy) and is now a minnow. As we sat at a stoplight, I heard this from the back seat:

"Mom, I don't want you to think I don't want to be with you, but why did I have to go?"  The emphasis was on the I.  For a second, I wasn't sure what she meant or why she was asking the question in that way. And then I knew: she was asking why her birthmom had kept her brothers and not her. I could almost feel my heart breaking, just to know that my baby thought - even for a brief second - that she was pushed out or cast aside.  It wasn't like that at all.

I can understand why she'd ask the question. She knows that her birthmom has three sons - one is older than A and the other two are younger. We've talked many times about the circumstances surrounding her birth but I knew I'd better try again.

"Sweetie, your birthmom loves you very much. It's just that when you were born, she didn't have a good job and she wasn't with your birthfather anymore. She knew she couldn't take good care of you at that time so she made an adoption plan for you. I know that it's the hardest thing she ever did and that she thinks about you every single day."

She nodded.  I added:  "You're lucky because you have SO many people who love you."

She knew the story but maybe it just helped to hear it again. A couple years after A was born, her birthmom married a nice guy and they have two children together. Her oldest son was the result of a relationship when she was just out of high school, I believe. I think her road was a bit rocky when she was younger but it's a lot more stable now. That's just how life is sometimes, you know? Sometimes young women just pick the wrong guys. I know I dated some real winners - it's just that in my case, there's no physical evidence of my bad decisions. I never had to face what my daughter's birthmom had to face. One thing I never forget: J had a few options when she got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. Make no mistake about this: she chose the hardest possible one. Without her, I would not be a mom.

I know that all adoptees have to work through some abandonment issues but still, I can't help but wish I could somehow take on the burden myself. I love her, her birthmom loves her, and she was always wanted. I never want her to forget, not even for a second. I don't know how to make sure it sticks.

The very best thing that ever happened to me.

Comments

Sam said…
It will stick. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job and her question shows how much she trusts you. I hope I handle these questions as beautifully when it's my turn.
September 17, 2014 at 7:54 PM
The Lovely One said…
:) she will always know how much she is loved.
September 17, 2014 at 8:14 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

14 Weeks

Image
My baby is leaving me in 14 weeks.  She and I started touring colleges in May of 2022. When I applied to colleges back in 1988, I was an English major so there were no auditions. Colleges basically just said, "Sounds good. Come on in." I was the first person in my immediate family to go to college and as a whole, I don't think we understood the importance of campus visits and such. I ended up being fairly miserable that first year until I transferred to a school closer to home. For my daughter, I wanted to make sure she had an opportunity to see lots of college campuses so that she had the best shot at figuring out what she wants out of the college experience. I wanted her to look at elements like campus size and location, diversity, activities, distance from home, and distance from the nearest "big city" (since performers often head to larger cities with active theatre scenes after college).  Last summer, we began the daunting process known as "getting int
Read more

On Being Patriotic

The list of adjectives I assign to myself is pretty long: clumsy, organized, competent, uptight, etc. One that might surprise you: patriotic. I fully understand what it means to be an American and am darned happy about living here. But, I have a beef (that part won't surprise you). I've grown tired of certain segments of the population thinking that they've cornered the market on patriotism or that they can dictate precisely how the rest of us express ourselves when it comes to our shared country and flag. Sometimes it seems like the Toby-Keith-boot-in-yer-ass brand of patriotism drowns out the rest of us. For the record, I don't believe that patriotism requires a love of NASCAR, a disdain for immigrants, a Republican voting record, or a preference for country music. Nor does it require adherence to a specific religion. I've seen Facebook posts from some of my friends and acquaintances that call for all of us to return to the "Christian principles on which
Read more

Three cheers for headgear!

Image
The day has finally arrived. Headgear day! I feel a bit sorry for my daughter's orthodontist. I have a feeling that most kids hate him until they see the end result of all the re-arranging and appliances  - in theory, straight teeth. We pass Dr. M's office building pretty regularly and my daughter shakes her fist at it every time. She was basically a pill during today's visit. He had to make an adjustment to her palate expander and she was not what you'd call a good sport about it. I don't think Dr. M loses a lot of sleep over the fact that my daughter dislikes him, though. Anywho . . . the kid was fitted with her new headgear and we were sent home with instructions and about a hundred million tiny rubber bands. The instructions are that she needs to wear it at least 10 hours a day, if not more like 12. We can't even get Her Highness to flush a toilet - making her wear headgear feels like a Herculean task right out of the gate. But, we shall see. Be glad you
Read more