Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The Question I've Been Dreading

I couldn't decide if I should write about this or not. I know that A's birthmom has read my blog from time to time in the past, and the last thing I would ever want to do is to make her feel sad or uncomfortable. But, it's been almost a week since my daughter dropped the big question on me and since I'm still upset about it now, I thought some cathartic writing might help.

Last Wednesday, we were on our way home from swim class at the Y.  She was pretty excited because she skipped a fish group (guppy) and is now a minnow. As we sat at a stoplight, I heard this from the back seat:

"Mom, I don't want you to think I don't want to be with you, but why did I have to go?"  The emphasis was on the I.  For a second, I wasn't sure what she meant or why she was asking the question in that way. And then I knew: she was asking why her birthmom had kept her brothers and not her. I could almost feel my heart breaking, just to know that my baby thought - even for a brief second - that she was pushed out or cast aside.  It wasn't like that at all.

I can understand why she'd ask the question. She knows that her birthmom has three sons - one is older than A and the other two are younger. We've talked many times about the circumstances surrounding her birth but I knew I'd better try again.

"Sweetie, your birthmom loves you very much. It's just that when you were born, she didn't have a good job and she wasn't with your birthfather anymore. She knew she couldn't take good care of you at that time so she made an adoption plan for you. I know that it's the hardest thing she ever did and that she thinks about you every single day."

She nodded.  I added:  "You're lucky because you have SO many people who love you."

She knew the story but maybe it just helped to hear it again. A couple years after A was born, her birthmom married a nice guy and they have two children together. Her oldest son was the result of a relationship when she was just out of high school, I believe. I think her road was a bit rocky when she was younger but it's a lot more stable now. That's just how life is sometimes, you know? Sometimes young women just pick the wrong guys. I know I dated some real winners - it's just that in my case, there's no physical evidence of my bad decisions. I never had to face what my daughter's birthmom had to face. One thing I never forget: J had a few options when she got pregnant with a beautiful baby girl. Make no mistake about this: she chose the hardest possible one. Without her, I would not be a mom.

I know that all adoptees have to work through some abandonment issues but still, I can't help but wish I could somehow take on the burden myself. I love her, her birthmom loves her, and she was always wanted. I never want her to forget, not even for a second. I don't know how to make sure it sticks.

The very best thing that ever happened to me.

2 comments:

Sam said...

It will stick. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job and her question shows how much she trusts you. I hope I handle these questions as beautifully when it's my turn.

The Lovely One said...

:) she will always know how much she is loved.