Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Self-Improvement Project

My middle sister got engaged in July. I figured I'd have a year or so to get my act together before the wedding . . . you know, lose a couple hundred pounds, have my nails done, do something about my hair, etc.  Wedding photos tend to hang around for a lifetime, so that's a little scary. I was imagining my sister showing the photos to her friends and having them say, "Awww, what a beautiful wedding! That's so sad about your sister, though." And there I'd be, with my bad hair and overly-ample mid-section, staring blankly at the camera.

My sister is getting married in November.  As in, this November. Now, I know that the wedding is not about me. I had my day, back in 1997.  However, I've got to throw a Hail Mary pass here and try to get my shit together. Last week I saw a Groupon offer for a teeth-whitening kit. Ordered. Then I contacted the nice lady who cuts my hair and made an appointment to have her cut, color, and highlight my hair right before the wedding. Then I talked to a friend who does nails as a hobby. I had acrylic nails back when Clinton was in office and wondered what the new options are. She recommended gel nails. So, I need to make an appointment for that as well. Maybe I'll go crazy and get a pedicure, too. I've never had one.

That just leaves "massive weight loss" to cover. If I stop eating now, I might be good to go by November. I have a friend who sells Plexus so I'm trying that for a bit to see if it helps to kick-start my old-lady metabolism. I have to confess that I don't feel hungry in the mornings anymore (after breakfast but before lunch). So, it seems to be at least moderately effective. I'm still ready to gnaw off my own arm in the afternoon, though.

Also, P and I joined a gym together. I already belonged to a gym, but it was pretty far from home (I'll spare you the long story about why I joined a gym that was not in a convenient location). Anyway, we toured a couple of gyms after work last Wednesday, and then discussed them over margaritas. You know, as one does.  We'd left our kid at a friend's house. Anyway, it was toss-up between a huge gym that's open 24 hours and has a low monthly cost and a higher-cost gym that offers childcare. So, we selected the one that offers childcare so that we can both go at the same time. We may do something different once the kid can be left home alone for short periods of time. However, based on the current status of her decision-making skills, she might be in college by then.

I also continue to go to yoga regularly.  I just need to get in more cardio. And, you know, stop eating and all.

I am not sure how formal the wedding will be. I know that I'm in the wedding, though my sister didn't specifically use the word "bridesmaid." She did say, "Don't buy a dress. I'll tell you what to wear." She didn't mean it like it sounds, though. I think she is going to tell me vaguely what color to wear and then I should show up wearing something in that color.  My daughter will be a flower girl.

I have some reason to be concerned about the color she will choose.  You see, when we were kids, one time I talked my middle sister into climbing into the dryer. Then I closed the door and turned it on. Now, I only let her go around once or twice so don't look at me like that.  She was not injured, but the topic still comes up from time to time. Plus, once time I locked her in the basement. Then, every time she would come up the stairs and try to escape, I would jam a metal yardstick under the door and slide it back and forth, smacking her in the shins. So, if my sister really wanted to get me back, she would ask me to wear a color like this one:

Anyway, I don't know what will happen between now and November. I do know that I'm gonna eat/drink myself into a stupor at that reception, though. 

My beautiful sister and my adorable kid.

1 comment:

The Lovely One said...

you're already hot and sexy! Can't wait to see you in a bridesmaid dress!

You've never had a pedicure? Go out TODAY and get one! Pure bliss!